Nonviolent Communication has been developed over the past 35 years by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, a clinical psychologist and the Director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication in Geneva, Switzerland. There are now over 100 certified trainers worldwide, who, along with Dr. Rosenberg, contribute to global peace and social change by training in schools, prisons, health care institutions, government agencies, corporations and communities.

Marshall Rosenberg is a remarkable person. His goal is that everyone's needs get met. He sees other's needs as just as important as his own. He has that deep integrity that allows him to create a way of listening and speaking that siphons off judgemental words. He goes straight for the pure feelings and needs that we all have in common, knowing that they will compassionately connect us all when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to hear and to express them. In this way he continually finds words and ways "to make life more wonderful" for himself and for others.

He has observed that human beings are never happier than when they are giving to one another. "The one thing that I find consistent in all of these cultures is how easy it is to make them happy. All you have to do is be hungry and eat their food and enjoy it."

For teaching purposes NVC is sometimes called "Giraffe" language. The image of the giraffe was chosen because it has the largest heart of any land animal and because it takes a broad view of things.

NVC is a language of emotional literacy and is remarkable because only one person in an exchange needs to be fluent. With enough skill it can be used in virtually any situation, including parenting. "NVC helped me to become a vastly more effective parent," said Kathleen Olsen of Del Mar. "The shouting in our house is over."

In "Giraffe" our job is one of translator. We learn to translate labeling, diagnosing and evaluating words, because they often distort our ability to see clearly. We translate by guessing, using the idea that we 'don't know' what is going on.

"Giraffe" goes on the premise that if you can get clear about your feelings and needs, then your choices will become clear, and if you can help someone translate their thoughts and considerations into clear feelings and needs, then their choices will become clear.

Attention and Intention are key to the process of connecting empathetically. Keeping your attention on the intention to hear the feelings and needs underneath all the 'Jackal" protestations, complaints, explanations and analyses is what will eventually get the needs met. This seems to be one of the most difficult and one of the most necessary things for people to accomplish when learning "Giraffe".

NVC model

The three D's of disconnection, Diagnosis, Demands, and Denial of Choice are so commonly used in our culture, we barely notice when we say them or when someone else is speaking to us in this way. We may register some discomfort without being aware of the cause. By becoming more conscious of these disconnectors, we are empowered to choose more satisfying alternatives.

The 10 most common ways of taking the spotlight away from the speaker are when we:

1. Give Advice - Fix it
2. Explain it away
3. Correct it
4. Console
5. Tell a story
6. Shut down feelings
7. Sympathize/Commiserate
8. Investigate/Interrogate
9. Evaluate/Educate
10. One-up

These temptations are actually premature attempts to connect. Instead we can listen for responses that indicate completion, such as Exactly! Or That's right!

Empathetic listening is a combination of

1. Having the intention to connect
2. Focusing on clarifying the speakers needs first
3. Remembering that criticism is someone's poorly expressed feelings and unmet needs.
4. Checking the timing before offering your feelings, suggestions, corrections, etc.

So a key in learning "Giraffe" is to have patience when listening empathetically until all the feelings and needs have been heard and clarified. Often when this occurs, there will be a perceptible shift in the energy. It will lighten. Sometimes the person will just stop talking and be silent. Sometimes they will want to hear your feelings and needs at that point.

Recognizng a poorly expressed "Call for Help"

A request for nurturing or celebration can sometimes sound like:

• An attack: "What kind of professional are you anyway?"
• A complaint: "So and so is so closed-minded."
• Blame: "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have....!"
• Self-pity: "How come I have to do all the work around here?"
• Bragging: "I did such a fantastic job on that report."

NVC suggests an alternative to judging, labeling and classifying in which we can be even more nakedly honest without judging people in the process. It offers ways to express our needs so others can feel more receptive to us. NVC warns us against "dream-killing" language , that hides from our conscious awareness the opportunity to choose what we want to have happen. It alerts us to any language like "have to, ought, should, must, can't and supposed to". Marshall notes that there are tribes that don't even have a word for "should". Their languages don't have words for making judgements. Can you imagine? And these tribes are peaceful.

Holly Humphrey, an NVC trainer and author says,

Marshall tells a story of a difficult mediation between two long-term warring factions. Having interpreters made it even more difficult to mediate. There was an intense session which started with name-calling in which Marshall himself was called a "killer" and other enemy labels. After a long session where common needs had been identified and met on both sides, he descibes his surprise at hearing that one of the leaders had said, "If we can speak to each other like this, we will no longer have to kill each other."

Holly continues,

A Vision:

If people who are contributing to social change through various organizations and projects can form partnerships and together get behind the things we all support in common, like peace and justice, honoring diversity, sustainability, empathetic communication and a partnership rather than a dominator paradigm-- we can become a very powerful larger movement.

Why would it work? Because so many people really want this, and we are all "Giraffes" underneath (inside).

Since the events of September 11, 2001, I believe the choice to 'love' our way out of this one is shouting to us from our souls and from the cosmos.

Article by Lynnette Allen

November 6, 2001

For more information, read Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. or visit the CNVC website: www.cnvc.org.

Notable Facts about Nonviolent Communication